The Eggplant (Susan Ohanian Speaks Out)

Source: The Eggplan (Susan Ohanian Speaks Out)

Fun Facts About Standardistos

The Eggplant features News You Will Read Nowhere Else That’s a promise.

by Susan Ohanian

Historical Signposts of Standards

  • The Meek
    The Old Testament contains 163 references to the Common Core Curriculum Standards, the most cited being, “The meek shall inherit the Earth–after the Standardistos are through with it.”


  • Goat Blood
    The Old Testament called for animal sacrifice, goats for instance. This ritual was based on the Standard that without blood there can be no forgiveness. The New York Times editorial board has learned from this that kids today have it too easy.


  • Not Certified
    After bringing the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai, Moses kept mum about the fact that they had not been certified “scientific” and “rigorous” by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, Achieve, Inc., or the New York Times editorial board.


  • Carrying Embers
    The concept of “Standard of the day” was invented by Tasmanian Aborigines looking for a way to carry embers from camp to camp for cooking during the middle Palaeolithic era. This did not save them from genocide.


  • Eye for an Eye
    In addition to the frequently quoted Standard “an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth,” the Hammurabi Code clearly warned, “A Standard before breakfast makes Jack want to skip school.”


  • Asparagus
    Darwin proved that since an asparagus seed can float for 85 continuous days and an ocean current moves roughly 38 miles a day, that means an asparagus can sail 3,230 miles across the sea, and still germinate. The US Department of Education has awarded $1.3 billion to charter schools to find out what this means for 4th graders.


  • Will Rogers
    Although it’s true that Will Rogers said, “I never met a Standard I didn’t like,” he hadn’t seen David Coleman’s Common Core Close Reading on Martin Luther King’s “Letter from a Birmingham Jail.”


  • Sigmund Freud
    The Library of Congress, holder of the Sigmund Freud Archives, offered a “No comment” response to rumors of discovery of a letter from Freud to the head of the National Governors Association Best Practices division: “The fact that you advocate National Standards reveals your underlying insecurity as a regular guy and your dreams of having sex with 12-year-olds.”


  • Star Spangled Banner
    After 1904, when President Teddy Roosevelt negotiated for the US to take control of the construction of the Panama Canal, he advocated for a change in the last three lines of the first stanza of “The Star Spangled Banner”:

    Gave proof through the night that our rules were still there.
    O! say let our Performance Standards yet sweep
    O’er the land of the free and the home of the asleep.

    Roosevelt was instrumental in getting the new lyrics introduced at the Louisiana Purchase Exposition, informally known as the St. Louis World’s Fair. Once the Pullman National Monument, honoring the brutal 19th century robber baron and union buster is finished in Chicago, a monument to Roosevelt’s perspicacity is planned.


  • Eskimo Wisdom
    There is no Eskimo word for National Standards.


  • Working Oxen
    National Standards will wipe out the Biblical prohibition of working oxen on the 7th day. The US Department of Education agrees with the Business Roundtable that US school children must exhibit evidence of rigor by going to school every day.


  • Vows
    After exchanging vowed is the basement archives of discarded test questions at a CTB/McGraw Hill warehouse in Peoria, Judee McMaster and Rob Richman,who met while correcting Smarter Balanced open-ended items, journeyed to the Honeymoon Suite at an undisclosed Pearson venue and participated in National Standards Incident First Responders Bootcamp: DOE 380, 652, and 972 levels.


  • I always wanted to…
    CHICAGO– A 25-year-old Evanston man said he “wanted to be on the news” just before crashing his mini-van into a downtown Chicago TV studio during a live newscast, a prosecutor told a Cook County judge Tuesday.–Chicago Tribune
  • I always wanted to witness the wonder of pre-schoolers experiencing scientific inquiry,” US Secretary of Education Arne Duncan told a member of the New York Times editorial board just before crashing his motorcycle while riding without a helmet into Pre-K for All school in the Bronx.
  • “I always wanted to teach kindergarten,” Bill Gates told a friend just before crashing his Humvee into a downtown Seattle school during Show-and-Tell.”
  • “I always wanted to tell 7th graders about the importance of education,” Hillary Clinton told First Camera news team just before sky diving into the waste disposal facility near an undisclosed school in Iowa.
  • ETS Time Share
    The governing board of Educational Testing Service has announced the availability of time share options at its test development center. Share options are divided into week long increments, with units sold as fixed, floating, or rotating weeks. Vacation clubs and points programs are available to those signing the college- and career-ready oath. One-to-three-bedroom suits, single-unit housing, and detached housing are available. Yurts and geodesic domes require premium. Annual maintenance fees apply.


  • Silly Putty
    Due to the Standards crisis, Silly Putty is 16% less silly than it was in 1951. The United States Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions (HELP) has affirmed that committee staff are authorized to testify on this matter–except where a privilege should be asserted.


  • Giraffe’s Tongue:
    A giraffe is optimally designed with a tongue that can extend to twenty inches, long enough to clean its ears. David Coleman is scheduled for an appearance on Education Nation to reveal the critical importance of this information.


  • Firmer Thighs
    You can already get whiter teeth, firmer thighs, stomach reduction, and knee replacements. Now, with National Standards, you can get a job in India.


  • Controlled Substances
    According to the new edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), published by the American Psychiatric Association, more people have been driven insane through Common Core hysteria than by the use of controlled substances or bites from rabid bats.


  • Loss of Eye
    The incidence of loss of eye through incident with a Number 2 pencil has increased 698% since the introduction of the Common Core standards. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan says this is why it’s imperative that every kindergartner be instructed by computer.

Corporate Conscientiousness

  • The Business Roundtable, an association of chief executive officers of leading US companies with more than $5 trillion in annual revenues and nearly 10 million employees, has introduced a new slogan to enhance the work of the Business Roundtable to provide nifty solutions to our nation’s two most difficult challenges– obesity and stupidity: “Starve a student, feed a Standard.


  • New Slogan
    In a press conference at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, NEA and AFT leaders announced their commitment to a joint slogan, to be launched with a Post-American Recovery and Reinvestment Act grant from the US Department of Education: Do National Standards or die.



— Susan Ohanian

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